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Death Threats for Christmas

Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like a death threat – it’s the sort of thing that reminds you of all the things you should be thankful for, kind of a funhouse-mirror version of the end of It’s a Wonderful Life, when George realizes just how much he would be giving up by never existing.

The deets are this: A Spiceworks user named Dave Lass recently alerted the community about a decidedly non-wonderful email campaign that kicks off with a pleading subject line (“Please read this it can be the most important information in your life”), and ends with a purported hitman alerting the recipient to their imminent demise:

“I advise you to take this message seriously, if you value your life, since this is not a joke or a scam. I've been thinking for a long time whether it's worth sending this message to you and decided that after all you still have the right to know. I'll try to be short. I received an order to kill you, because your activity causes trouble to a particular person. I studied you for quite a time and made a decision to give you a chance, despite the specifics of my job, the business rules of which do not allow me to do this, as this will kill my reputation (more 12 years of perfect order executions) in certain circles. But i decided to break a rule since this is my last order (at least I do hope so).”

Wow, 12 years of a perfect murder scorecard, eh? Daaaaaamn, buddy. Perhaps that’s why he goes on to ask for half a bitcoin, or about eight large, for the privilege of sparing your small measly life, but don’t call the police!

“When I will receive funds I'll send you the name of the man order came from, as well as all the evidence i have. You will be able to use them with the police. I would not suggest you to call the police, because you have a little time (2 days) and the police simply will not have time to investigate.”

Then, the attacker ends on an appropriately ominous/I’m just doing my job note: “I really regret that you became my prey.”

Awww. Heart ‘o gold.

This is, of course, one big enormous ridiculous scam. There’s no reason to think that someone has sent a professional assassin after you, right? So, mark it as spam and go on with your day. To quote George Bailey: “Merry Christmas, everybody!”

I do kind of admire the chutzpah though. That’s a very Potter move.

PS: Holiday classics without the happy ending seems like a Millennial type of genre to create, doesn’t it? Picture it…Boom, there you go, George: You never lived, and now you regret wishing you never had, but you’re stuck never having lived because Clarence doesn’t give a candy cane hoot about getting his wings after all and your brother’s dead and Mary’s an old maid and Old Man Potter has ruined everything and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

I can actually see this being popular among the nihilist set. Come on, Millennials, get on that, okay?

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